.png)
Caveat: In the diverse landscape of relationships, this perspective reflects my reality. It may not resonate with everyone, but if it strikes a chord, let's explore it together. These words are imbued with my deep love and emotions. I hope you feel them as you read this.
Full disclosure: No relationship guru here—I'm not married, never engaged, and my dating history is likely shorter than your list of food poisoning incidents.
So, why lend me your ears?
Well, because there's a reason for the above-mentioned scenario.
I never dated for sport, because I was bored, or felt lonely. (That’s my experience, yours is yours, and there is no judgment in this statement or the 50 shades of grey in between.) It’s not something I felt that I needed. You can perhaps credit it to my quasi-independent persona or unhealed trauma but it offered me time to introspect, learn, and understand my deepest desires and non-negotiables.
I’ve opened my heart to a "few good men.” Each relationship experience sculpted me into a stronger, more resilient, and confident version of myself. I am grateful to my past relationships, (the good and bad) for they were lessons that paved the way for a future counterpart who deserves and loves the person I've become. Because I love her so much!
As a single, heterosexual female who has gone through a deep self-rediscovery odyssey, I’d like to talk about what I’m seeing out there.
Increasingly, frustration and disappointment permeate both single or broken-hearted men and women.
I’m seeing more and more dynamics where both men and women are bitter over the fact that men are (insert nuance or complaint) and women are (insert nuance or complaint).
If you believe there are no "good women or men” you're writing that love story.
Shaming each other and certain behaviors often stems from unhealthy relationships and past traumas. Instead of blame, let's change the script, and look through the lens of compassion for someone who has perhaps been wounded a few times too many.
Additionally recognizing when your triggers come up and asking if they are real, self-imposed, or stemming from subconscious beliefs embedded in you. Just so we’re clear…ALL EMOTIONS ARE VALID…they are data. They direct us in how to move forward or show us where we are stuck. So sometimes we get stuck because of our past wounding, and we’re given an invitation to move through that subconscious pattern when we are ready.
Relationships always mirror back to us what we yet have to heal. So listen… and mirror the qualities you seek.
You want love…how can you lean into loving yourself more. You want to be held…what parts of you want to be held? You want loyalty, how are you loyal to yourself? Do you feel disappointed, betrayed, and hurt? Where are you self-abandoning? What parts of you, including your inner child and rebellious teen, want to be seen, loved, and validated? Give them that!
Relationships are evolving, but hearts are breaking too!
A significant change I’m seeing is the openness of both men and women to heal and “work on themselves” before jumping into relationships. Perhaps people are choosing solitude, celibacy, introspection, and closing the door to partnership altogether for the time being. Or perhaps deep quick connections occur, maybe serving as a spark of love in a passing moment and not necessarily leading to committed long-term relationships. People entering our lives mirror where we are, and how far we've come, showing the residual triggers, and exposing the delicate nerves needing healing. Sometimes, as difficult as it is, the lesson lies in letting go. As I painfully navigate a deep heart connection that didn't progress, I trust that whatever unfolds is for our highest good.
At that time my friend suggested sending love and healing to all men instead of holding onto expectations and my own hurt and disappointment. I thought, ok my fresh pain and I’m supposed to send love to MEN! I’m the one that’s hurt! I wanted to hear “I’m sorry” at least 3 times before that happened. I was even more irritated.
But then I started to feel the flood of tears and compassion…for the man, the father, and the grandfather who was never shown love, or didn’t know how to express it, who was shamed and then shamed others, for the man who was taught that it was weak to feel, to show love and be vulnerable, who was afraid and suppressed it. For the man who feels broken, in pieces or lost. (Pause to feel.)
To be honest I started to feel compassion for all of us…all the broken hearts over our lifetimes. Men and Women. We all have that in common. I see a lot of beautiful and broken hearts that are and were.
If you’ve never gotten it…I want you to hear it now.
It’s not your fault. I’m sorry. I thank you. I love you.
It’s not your fault. I’m sorry. I thank you. I love you.
It’s not your fault. I’m sorry. I thank you. I love you.
Now for the other side of the COIN
Releasing emotions, sacred rage, and healthy anger expression are crucial. It has to come out ladies and gents! Otherwise, it will block your sacral and throat charka and your ability to fully express yourself.
For women, reclaiming your voice and sacral energy is extremely powerful, you hold so much strength, life, and magic in that. It’s not just yours it’s your ancestors and the collective pain women have experienced.
For men, the sacred roar discharges the buildup of density within, and channeling your sacral energy sacredly will create beautiful paradigms.
For both there is so much imposed pain, anger, sadness, grief, suppression, and shame…it has to be acknowledged and liberated.
This one took me a while to learn and I am still learning to embrace it in the most sacred way.
So what do men and women want?
There are some basic principles. We all want to be loved, seen, and held. …but it’s actually for you to decide…it’s as individual as you want. So make the list, connect to it, and visualize it. Open up to it. Create space and leave room for surprises from the universe. Release the exact plan of how you get there. The beauty is for this energy to feel free and sovereign, not codependent or conditional. Create a welcome mat for it. Love yourself deeply in the process. That’s the first step. Learn your love language and learn to validate yourself….from within. Then actually practice your love language with yourself.
Helping each other HEAL
Ultimately our wounds are very similar at their core. We all share wounds that we sometimes reflect on each other. The major underlying one is around SELF WORTH! It plays a silent tune in your soundtrack of life.
So let’s go easy on each other, change the dynamics, and hold each other accountable with compassion and love.
WOMEN!
How can we help men heal?
· Allow them to lead, hold space for you, and create the foundation so that your feminine flow can powerfully create life – so that you can be in your magic.
· Normalize conversations about emotions without shame, and hold compassion for his inner child.
· Believe in them and trust their leadership.
· Get to know his needs and make space for them.
· Learn his giving and receiving language.
· Hold them accountable by creating firm boundaries and non-negotiables.
· Learn to receive not compete.
· Support him in a way he wants to be supported.
· Create something for him. He's going to love it. (Figure out what that means for you)
· See him. Deeply.
· Honor his heart.
MEN!
How can we help women heal?
· Give them your sacred masculine container, safety, and love, they will fill your life with color.
· Create and HOLD spaces where they feel safe in their bodies, emotions, and energy.
· Allow her to express her emotions, see her through them, and hold compassion for her inner child.
· Protect her energy, trust, and believe in her intuition, magic, and power.
· Get to know her needs and make space for them.
· Support her in a way she wants to be supported.
· Learn her “giving and receiving” language.
· “Hunt” for her – she’s going to love it. (Figure out what that means to you)
· See her. Deeply.
· Honor her heart.
Know that each masculine and feminine is sovereign and free and chooses to be with the other to build and create magic.
A conscious man desires a feminine to fill his life with heart and love, and a conscious feminine desires a man to hold her in her dance of life and fill her life with heart and love. And that requires each to fill their own cup, overflow, and share with the other. There will be times when one will need to hold the cup for the other, and that is the beauty of a healthy and balanced union. To hold up their chin and say…I see you, you can lean on me, I love you, how can I support you, what do you need in this moment?
Crucial Considerations:
1. Bitterness blocks you from attracting your desired partner—the basic Law of Attraction.
2. Blaming exposes your projections, criticisms, and self-abandonment.
3. Partners are often chosen based on familiar childhood feelings so look closer.
4. Radical honesty – is there communication about boundaries, fears, and feelings?
5. Recognize your worth and create energy around it.
6. Examine past relationships for patterns, lessons, and healing wounds.
7. Address wounds from your life, and be okay with breaking down. That’s the initiation so that you can heal them. You will feel broken, you will feel grief. You have to, so that you can be reborn.
OK SO YOU DID YOUR INNER WORK NOW WHAT?
After inner work, share your lessons in a relationship, allowing the other to hold space for you. Recognize triggers and communicate consciously.
Can you discuss these matters with your partner respectfully, vulnerably, humbly, and openly? Connect to the heart, see beyond the surface, and remove masks— it’s easy to remove clothes but stand in front of someone with your masks off, your bits and broken pieces exposed – that’s vulnerable, that’s intimate, that’s showing your heart on a platter. When that moment happens…be gentle with it, it is sacred.
Yes hold each other accountable….by replacing the language of shame, judgment, resentment, and bitterness with collective COMPASSION + LOVE FREQUENCY and hold firm energy for what you are and are not available for. Yes, it’s really hard sometimes – we are here to learn it until it becomes us. Sometimes it will take a whole lifetime to learn it.
Some food for thought…
What if the most painful or toxic relationship you had was an agreement between the most resilient souls to do the hardest job in this lifetime; to help you grow, heal, and be the highest version of yourself?
So my fellow ladies…I hope you welcome what wants to find you, hold you, love you, and support you.
To the men, I hope you welcome what wants to find you, hold you, love you, and support you.
My heart goes out to YOU. ALL of you. May you align with your divine counterparts so that you can light up this world.
If you haven’t heard it today…I love you.
Roxy